NEVER A BURDEN

YESTERDAY I WROTE THIS WHEN I WAS IN TRAIN . I WAS DEEPLY MOVED AFTER WITNESSING AN INCIDENT.. EMOTIONS TURNED INTO WORDS ..

DOWN THERE SHE SAT
DROWNED IN THE BLISS OF MOTHERHOOD
DARING NOT TO CARE ABOUT THE OUTSIDE WORLD
FEEDING HER ONLY DEPENDENT


NEITHER SHE’S CLOTHED PROPERLY
NOR SHE’S CARED BY ANYBODY
NEITHER SHE REMEMBERS HER “START”
NOR SHE KNOWS HER “END”


DOWN THERE SHE SAT
CONSOLING HER LOST LIFE
FORGIVING THE FATE DECIDER
AND PLEADING FOR BRIGHT LIFE ATLEAST TO HER SON


WITH THE VERY LITTLE CLOTHING LEFT TO HER
SHE’S COVERING HER BABY NOW
EXPOSING HER NAKED BRUISES
AND HER TORTURED PAST LIFE


THEN SHE LEFT THAT PLACE
TYING THE BABY CLOSE TO HER HEART
WITH AN AGE OLD BLANKET
TO DESTINATION UNKNOWN


WHILE I WAS PRAYING FOR HER GOODWILL
ANOTHER SUCH CAUGHT MY EYE
REALLY GOD’S SO CRUEL
THAT HE LEFT NOBODY TO PUNISH HIM

I FAILED AGAIN

HOW SHALL I SAY .. HOW CAN I SAY

THAT NOTHING HAPPENED AND NOTHING CHANGED

I FAILED AGAIN

THOUGH THIS TIME VERY BADLY

MAY BE I PROMISED YOU

MAY BE I FORGOT YOU

MAY BE I DISSAPPOINTED YOU

MAY YOU ARE TRUE .. I AM A LOSER

LOSING MYSELF BIT BY BIT

SUFFERING THIS LOSS HIT AFTER HIT

I BECAME THAT VERY PERSON

WHOM I USED TO SPIT CURSES ON

REASONS ARE MANY

COMPLICATIONS ARE TOO MANY

I SACRIFICED SO MANY

TO MEET THE SUCCESS BUT IT LEFT ME IN AGONY

WHAT A MONOTONOUS LIFE ?

THOUGH I REMEMBER THE START

I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE THE FALL

TURNING EVERYTHING BAD TO WORSE

I AM QUITTING NOW

I AM NOT TIRED OF FIGHTING

I AM AFRAID OF LOSING

I ALREADY KNOW,IT CANT GO WORSE THAN THIS .

I MADE IT HAPPEN

Anger is often personified to bonfire which is uncontrollable ... impulsive ...that finally ends with sweetest taste of revenge. But not in my case. It’s acting like slow poison to me making me feel sudden suffocation at times and perspiring the whole of fluids in me. Every time I read his letter, some unknown feeling always gets inside me. It makes me some one else. I am just living the after life of Rahul. I became Rahul with his full rage in me and his burning vengeance .

But .... but .... what a horrible death he had . Never before I saw something like that. I still don’t understand why he cut his veins as if he was penalising and hugged me that day asking for some repentance.
My mother came to my room and said “Beta ... today we will meet Rahul’s mother . Jao ..thoda refresh hojav ..”.Rahul belongs to a highly traditional Brahmin family . According their custom , they should be left untouched for first 13 days after any death in their family.
When I saw his mother I was shocked . No expression of agony or pain. She looked as if she’s just completing her formality. I am really afraid of those kind of people with emotionless faces. When I was about to leave , she said to me “ Go to his room . There’s something left
for you son ...His life” she almost whispered.

I went to his room. It’s reflecting clearly visible emptiness. There’s no impression of Rahul at all. I opened his cupboard . “Kill him ... Kill him” it retorted. “That was written few months back “ Rahul’s mother explained. “See this” she pointed to Rahul’s study table.
“LOVE ME”, “I AM NOT A PSYCHO” , “SONY” written in different styles filled whole of the table. Underneath all this “MARRIAGES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN” was highlighted in brick red. It should be his blood . “ Know your friend” her eyes said more. She handed me Rahul’s personal diary . To my surprise, I found “SONY” written on it instead of his name .... everywhere .
It said nothing about his personal life. It said about his love.... his psychic love. It described her beauty ..completely. It described her daily activities. It described her hobbies. It described her every minute details. It also explained all the dreams Rahul had seen and how he thought of accomplishing them. “I will make it Happen” he ended every page with this . All it showed was mere madness ....

Then after few pages were left empty explaining nothing. Occasionally, he scolded the girl for not responding to him. Then this fury rose to that level where Rahul decided to take an extreme step. He attacked her boyfriend. She had become much more close to him than before. At this point developed hatred and grudge . “ LOVE ME”, “I AM NOT A PSYCHO” followed the remaining pages. After few weeks ...he killed her.
Rahul felt as if he relieved her and granted freedom to her. He concluded that it was SONY’s boyfriend who killed her, though indirectly. Rahul’s frenetic and frenzied mind didn’t stop there . He committed suicide just because he believed that “ MARRIAGES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN”.

I closed his diary and handed it to his mother. Now I have to clear my mind. I have to become normal.... have to forget this incident. But ..... I also decided to do one important thing. Not for Rahul, but for SONY ...I have to apologize SONY’s boyfriend though not letting him know why ...

P.S : You will find this interesting only if you had read " IT JUST HAPPENED".

FRUSTRATION UNVEILED

I SPEAK OUT, I FIGURE OUT AND FINALLY I LOSE IT OUT

I CRY OUT, I BURST OUT AND FINALLY I FORGET IT OUT

I PENALIZE, I SACRIFICE BUT NEVER I THINK TWICE

EVERYTIME THIS HAPPENS, I LEAVE IT TO THE GOD’S GRACE

FAR FROM MY HOME

VERY CLOSE TO THIS SYNDROME

LIVING MY LIFE’S WORST PHASE

I SMILE ALWAYS WITH A SHAMELESS FACE

ENDLESSLY I BUILD CASTLES IN THE AIR

RELENTLESSLY SPEAKING WITH FLARE

I CHALLENGE EVERYBODY NOT TO DARE

BUT I DO KNOW, NOBODY WILL CARE

PATRONIZE ME, CRITISIZE ME

INSULT ME, FORGET ME

BUT NOTHING IS GOING TO BOTHER ME

ONE DAY I’M DEFINITELY GOING TO PROVE ME.

IT JUST HAPPENED ...

Nothing is interesting me today. I watched “Matrix” , “Sixth sense” and “ Butterfly Effect” one after another without a break .Some unreality is masking me from feeling the virtuality and believing the reality. I already passed my regular sleeping time and still ... certain voidness is ushering through my brain. I am now looking at emptiness .Not at sky (Sky is not empty). Not at anything. I don’t know if my eyes are open. I am not asking for anything unexpected to happen. Oh... Come on, I am not dreaming. I am not dead.
Suddenly “Crazy Frog” started croaking. Oh! That’s my SMS.
“Meet me immediately now”. First line of the SMS.I scrolled to see the sender. It’s Rahul. Nah! Not now. I will think about it afterwards. I tried to focus upon what I was thinking. But why would Rahul send SMS now? Probably he’s arranging some beer party. If not what? If that’s the case am I missing something? Let me read the SMS completely...
“Meet me immediately
For the last Time”
Sender: Rahul
I am not able to understand what it says. “For the last time?”. I should call him.
I dialled him ten times. No response. Fine then . No option. Have to go. After all he’s my only friend in this city.
“Kuh kuh ..” I pressed his koyal (calling bell). Not once but many times. What’s wrong with him? Oh I understood.... It’s a secret party. Probably he arranged some weed to smoke. Then he should be at upstairs. “Last time ...” crazy fellow doesn’t know how to write a SMS, I told to myself. As I reached the topmost floor, I found none. I pulled my cell phone out and tried to search in it’s dim light. I heard a completely broken and quivering voice from my back. It’s him, Rahul. He came straight to me and hugged me. Few drops fell on my cheek. I thought they were tears first. Hastily he handed me something and he went straight to the dead end and jumped from there. I didn’t understand what happened...But slowly I tried to realize how unreal it was. Something is pinching me from inside not to believe what I saw. I stepped forward to see my friend in a pool of blood. What happened is not tragedy, it’s a disaster. I let him die. Oh..my heart is filled with remorse. I didn’t even try to stop him. It’s my fault...
As I fell down in shock I realized that the tiny droplets on my cheek are blood drops and not tears. Oh my god ...something seriously is wrong ...Even before his death, he underwent some pain. Ahh..So many questions and only one link..The strange thing he handed to me before his suicide. I kept it in my pocket. I attended the autopsy and gave all the information about Rahul, our friendship, his habits etc but didn’t mention about the “letter”. Yes, the strange thing he handed to me was a letter. It’s not a suicide letter. It’s a love letter...

I cut my vein
Trying to feel pain
Here comes my blood, brick red
But why am I dying ?

I gobbled a bottle of sedatives
Just to feel your impressions in my dreams
Still no indication of nausea ...
But why am I dying ?

I don’t know if I am jumping from this height
I am just asking the wind for it’s tender help
I am dying my sweet heart
Fearing that you are alone over there

You said I am your first love
Helping me realize true love
Immediately you found someone
Calling me a wretched one

I am still living the loneliness that she left to me
Hoping that she will realize her true love one day
Oh.. that bastard
He not only killed my love, but her

I am coming my love, don’t fear
Why to accept this mundane life
When it doesn’t accept our true love
In heaven, we will meet again ...my love

But please my love ..
Feel my love
If you doubt me even there
There's no meaning for you ...LOVE
------Rahul
I don’t know if what Rahul did was right but I will see that the insane one who killed his love will be behind the bars .At least this I have to do for my friend.

I MADE IT HAPPEN .... explains how I took my revenge .

MY FIRST BLOOD RUSH

Girls have always been my area of fascination. I appreciate god’s work every day in shaping their curves and turves so precisely. He’s such an architect that he made look these gifted ones equally beautiful both with and without covering. But what attracts me are those beautiful and lively eyes rather than their mountains and caves or the tides and waves placed randomly but selectively brimming out their entire charm. My day, night, my appetite, my dream, hopes.....oh my world they conquered everything. But bull shit... no girl in my life so far. Today I am going to get one. Yess.. My premonitions are not unreal. Suddenly I heard DARDE DISCO from my mobile ...Unknown number..This is something unknown to me....

“Hello ! Johnny here “ . “welcome to Airtel services ..Your todays Astrology ...You will find your true love today. Thank you for using our services .For further informa ......”. Fuck you I say .How many times I was told the same shit.First time when I heard this ,I thought it’s for real .I flirted every girl that passed by the road.At the end of the day,I realized how geek I am .Enough is enough .now let me unsubscribe this immediately ....

DARDE DISCO..DARDE DISCO... Again an unknown number? This time I’m gonna blow your ... "What the fuck do you want from me?”I barked. "Sorry... Can I speak to Johnny?”said a truly tender female voice . "Ahem ...aa...yah.. me...I am Johnny”. Shit what did I do?First time a girl called me and I...oho .

“Did I disturb you.Sorry again if I did. I will call you later then....”she said .I was again caught by her voice . “NO..no ..no..Actually I was talking to a girl and you know..it’s like mutual break up ...but that girl is too obsessed about me and yah sometimes I have to be rude ...” Wow what an intelligent story..Long silence ...she didn’t say anything . “By the way,you didn’t mention your name ...”.I said anxiously . "Samvitha ,Sam you can call me either ,do you remember me?”.Now how much difference that’s going to make.But still let me not help her to make an opinion on me so easily.

“Hmmm...Samvitha ?Which one ? The one with whom I went to disco in my college or the one whom I dated recently?”.Now this is enough .Let’s see what she says .....

“Phew .... the one with whom you quarrelled in your schooling....Now you remember ??”she intrigued...Oh..schooling I do remember you .That time I hated all girls. Alwayz they used to top..Alwayz first in everything..But now ,she is a girl .A girl you boneheaded one..A GIRL ...

“Aaaah schooling ? long time back .I don’t remember much now..Still I remember your name I guess.Hmmm..fine so what’s up? Howz life?”...perfectly done..HA HA HA. "Me fine ...life’s just going perfectly...SO say about you.You flirting with girls too much or what?”she asked.

“Oh what should I say?”.What can I say except for another story . "These gals you know are quiet crazy about me..completely obsessed...you see even you started thinking about me within first few min. Itself....”.I am on a song today ...

“Hello! SOAP please ...”. Now wtf does this mean ??? “What ?? SOAP ..what.. I .. I didn’t...”I fumbled. “Stop Over Action Please..Did you forget your childhood really?”...Oh!these bullshit acronyms yah! Atleast these things I forgot comfortably... "No..I am not flirting but you will find yourself fetish after sometime ...” I assured. “Give me your best shot then ...”She challenged making me more aggressive ....

Then started my first blood rush. Adrenalin gushing through every nerve of mine making me suddenly weak.But I am trying my best not to break. "One Sec”. I didn’t wait for her reply.I put the phone down ,I took a deep breath ,I saw in the mirror.Suddenly I looked smarter,handsome and intelligent than before. "yes Samyu tell me now.Howz your college life? By the way which college are you ?”.I inquired.

“Samyu??Samvitha to Sam and now Samyu...Anyway ,I am in Manipal University..What about you JOHN ?“she stressed the last word.Finally I have got an opportunity to say proudly about myself "IIt Mumbai...Hmm.. anyway You said Manipal ,so you should be knowing Reka ..Why is she not coming online these days?And why is she.....” she interrupted.. "Hold on Hold on How do you know Reka? She is Miss Manipal for 2008.Boys die fo her ...”she argued almost .

“She’s my ex-girl friend”.Another lie.She is my best friend’s girl friend.He showed her pic. To me one day.Yes, she’s like an angel.He left her because she’s spending him too much.Ofcourse he got a new one now.I envy him though he is my best friend.

“Okey...So you are the victim .In her first year itself there were many rumours that she ditched an IIt guy..How pity? So ,Reka ditched YOU”..she said showing some false sympathy.So,my friend told me a lie.He got ditched.Ha Ha Now I can play with him .That’s ok ,but what’s my position now?I shouldn’t agree to this.Yes,I shouldn’t agree to this at any cost.

“You girls are cowards.Unmatured.You people live in a pool of lies...”.I was about to narrate a story how I left her but suddenly something unexpected happened. Sudden rage, sudden attack.

“We are not cowards ..okey.We believe in you people and you take it for your advantage, We take love as it is. But you people play with our trust and betray us in the end.We are much matured than you guys”.It surprised me how she maintained the same composed tone through out. Now I have to bring the situations to normal.Last sentence struck my mind.She’s right..Girls do attain maturity much before than boys ,I mean puberty.

“So how much matured are you?”I said teasingly.She’s sharp enough.She chuckled. "Matured enough”she said in a posh way. "That’s what I am asking.How much?”. "What?”she dragged it more than a Hollywood heroin. "I mean any B.F?”.shit,I should have said boy friend instead of abbreviating it as B.F(blue film).After long silence ,she said “YES”.

”How many” my immediate query. “what?”again the same bullshit expression."I mean temporary or permanent?”I dared to ask. “We are committed” she said. Now why should I talk to this girl anymore. "Great” I said adding more excitement than needed. It is here at this point that something strange happened...

“I want to ask you something”I said to her hurriedly.”yesss...”she dragged it again. "You see I thought of saying this much before ...But I don’t want a big NO from you...You will take it sportively right??” oh my god I am sweating horribly.. "Yah ,ofcourse you know about me naa” she said. "Yes,that’s why I am hesitating ..Hey ,please tell me ,you wont take this seriously naa?”

“No way...”she dragged.But this time it hurt me .Why wont she take me seriously??. “No,No.. please take this seriously ,take your time and then tell me your decision”.I tried to compromise her.

“Now I understood why Reka ditched you.KISS. Keep It Short and Simple.It will help you”.Now I have to tell her the truth. "There’s no gal in my life so far.What I uttered so far is just to impress you.Please help me to come out of this mental trauma ...” I suddenly remembered KISS.

I said briskly “Will you be mine?”. “What do you mean?”I heard her voice suddenly quivering. But I never understand whether gals pretend to be dumb or they are really dumb..What is she expecting from me? “You understood it Samyu...Dont pretend”I demanded.

“Of course ,but I mentioned it already. I am committed to a boy " she said casually. “Hey,No..No..I am a better one than the one you mentioned. You see,you know me from childhood.You know how cool and composed I am.And when Reka herself flirted with a guy like me ,you can understand how handsome I am.Just think Samyu...Think..”I stressed the last word. "It’s true that me and my B.F are having some differences from last few days, but it doesn’t mean we broke up.Come on Johnny,don’t behave like a nerd”She almost completed. "I asked you to think .Not to talk...Think Sam ,think......”

Now I understood why she’s so upset about boys betraying gals and all..She’s single now...Her B.F left her ..Hmm... "So you are single now..” I opined my heart.”Haa” said a slow sleepy voice.

“Even I” I played with her. “Why ?”she fired.”You didn’t accept my proposal That’s why ...” I said feeling more comfortable now..”Good try ..” she giggled . “Now tell me ... You are commited naa..” I mocked her ." with whom???”she cried ..."With me of course...” yah I gave my best shot baby.. "I love my Independence...I want to be single for sometime atleast ...”she said. “Let me be your Independence"I begged.“Why ?didn’t find anyone else after Reka?”she asked. “Yes ,I found one ..But she’s showing off too much " I said casually. “Too bad.. she must be playing with you and who knows ...Probably she’s asking more from you ...”she said as if she’s ready to solve my problem. "Yah ...she says she loves her independence..I offered her that I would be her independence ,but she declined.. Too bad naa...”I said in a controlled fashion."Ha Ha Ha ...good trick..”she really appreciated me."So, what should I do ?laugh along with that girl or laugh at myself?”I questioned her. “Hey enough playing with me..I really enjoyed talking to you..Please be in touch with me..These days I feel so lonely you know..that fellow left me for no reason..that’s why I thought of calling to some friend and luckily I found yours ...”She’s done .Now I understood completely.She purposefully phoned me.She want a guy to give company to her.....phone her.....impress her ...I suddenly felt as if I am spitting against myself.Let me give a good ending to this.. "I WON ...Yes I WON..Samyu you see how stud I am..I proposed a girl Who’s committed already and and She got impressed by me...I won the challenge Samyu...I WON....”I completed. “Yah ..you are really a stud..keep going then ..bbbyyyeee..”she said trying to cover her disappointment . “You will find some one for sure Sam..though may not be smart like me.. but someone for sure..Take care..Thanks for calling me..BYE”I disconnected. Probably she didn’t realize why I said Thanks (gals are always dumb. I know)but she rejuvenated and revived my lost spirits again ..Thank You Samvitha.I cant forget this day..I cant forget You..But understand this irony..

First time in my life a gal asked me to be her love but I said NO...Hahahaha...THIS IS LIFE .... Buy the way ,guess what's my ring tone now ...."IT'S THE TIME TO DISCO" .....